Written in love by Jewel
I have no idea why this is on my mind, but it is. I just had a rush of irritation with the thought of women feeling not “good enough.” And it’s not entirely a man’s fault for a woman feeling this way, but he does play a part.
So here’s the scenario. A pretty woman is pursued by a man. More than likely he is pursuing heavily. Calls, texts, emails-whatever. All this attention=he really likes you, right? Right!???? Maybe. Maybe Not. Sometimes you won’t know until later on down the road. Because sometimes men just like the chase, sometimes they like the challenge. Or sometimes they really want YOU. But, more than likely his motive usually isn’t questioned. At least not for awhile.
So after a couple of weeks, you may have returned the calling, flattery and pursuit that he was initially doing. You may have even been intimate with him. And now you notice his efforts aren’t as much. You find yourself being the initiator; the pursuer. You don’t feel like a priority in his life. Yet, he is now in your Top 3 priorities. What happened? And more importantly, how does it make you feel? Not good enough?
I’ve learned from all of my years of dating, that it doesn’t matter what I look like, how I dress, what I drive or what I say. I could have the best body, prettiest face and still find myself rejected by men. Why? Because many men aren’t dating with a purpose. Now, thank God there are some men who want to get married and honor God by waiting to have sex before marriage. But, if they aren’t thinking about marriage or God, ladies then nothing you can do on the outside can change that.
This is the part that upsets me. When he starts to reject you by backing off, you feel it in your heart! You look in the mirror extra long. You wonder what is wrong with you. And every time a man does this you swallow it. You end up hopeless-not believing in Love or in Men. Which is a lie, because there is always hope on this Earth. And not to sound cliche’ but, Christ is our hope.
Now imagine this…
Imagine meeting a guy and being totally honest with him upfront. Imagine if you told him you were tired of dating aimlessly and you desired marriage. Most women are scared of being viewed as thirsty or needy and won’t ask important questions. So it goes undisclosed. Until it’s too late. Most people want faithfulness from their significant other, they want to feel special like they are the only one their mate desires. Most women think about marriage. So if this is what we want, why aren’t we asking them in the beginning their motives or desires?
We try to be everything we think the man wants. We act cool, not too needy. We act like we’re just “hanging and having fun.” We put on a front not to scare them away. I will tell you this-once you get married all those things you hid will come to light. You tried putting your best foot forward by hiding things but it’ll come out sooner or later. So why not just be intentional in dating? Forget “just having fun”, women are delicate! We can’t play “the game” like men. God created us to love, and nurture and have hearts. We love strong! And you weren’t designed to do that for every man you meet nor were you created to have your heart-broken over and over again. Really no one is.
I cannot stress to you how awesome it felt to have sex with my husband the day we got married for the first time. I cannot stress how awesome it felt to walk away from that and not wonder if he was going to call back. There were no games, our relationship didn’t change and my self-worth was not questioned. He was mine and I was his. I didn’t have to have sex with him to “win” him or please him, and I didn’t have to wonder how he felt about me. What a relief! And this is exactly why God said to wait to have sex. He knows how He created women! To love easily and hard. And that’s a beautiful thing-but it can go haywire when it’s not with your husband.
A man who never intended to keep you around long-term, will use you for however long and then let you go. Leaving you feeling worthless. And all you wanted is to be loved. Smh. To feel desired. That’s exactly what I wanted. Until one day I had had enough. I was tired of feeling used, feeling like I wasn’t special. When I knew I was! I knew God had purpose for me. So I quit dating. I quit selling myself for close to nothing. God had bought me for a price-and I was going to start charging! Every cute guy with a good line was NOT going to be able to “get to know me.” If God created ONE man for ONE woman, then he had to be special.
I will say it again, Not every Man can handle the fragility of your heart. Stop letting multitudes of men try it out. Most men were X’ed out to me if they weren’t serving the Lord. Why try and make it work and have to explain how I wanted to wait for sex until marriage with just random men? Not everyone will understand this. And then another set of men were X’ed if they weren’t even looking to be married soon. The X’ing out is actually pretty simple, WE just make it hard. We want to change men, we think we’re Super Woman! Smh-no. If a guy tells you he’s not looking for anything serious-he’s NOT looking for anything serious. I don’t care how pretty you are, how seductive you are-listen to him. He’s not ready.
So instead of trying to change a man, why don’t you just be patient and wait until you meet one who tells he’s ready to settle down? Love yourself. I know you hear that a lot but do you know what that means? That means love yourself enough not to settle. That means love yourself enough by having standards and not allowing any ol’ man come into your life to take whatever he wants. That means love what God loves about you. He loves you sooo much and thinks you are SOOOOO special, He doesn’t want you throwing yourself around to anyone who would catch you! Invest in you and make men invest and labor to get you. People will work for what they feel is worth it. And I’m not talking being conceited; stay humble. But I’m talking not allowing a man to feel on you when he just met you or calling you anytime time of night! Respect!
Ask God to open your eyes to see what qualities truly matter in a mate. I remember surrendering to the Lord and realizing what was going to matter in the long run. Men who desired children and having a family became more attractive to me. Men who pursued purity was like WOW! And I’ll be honest, I was not attracted to my husband at first. I didn’t care for his style of clothing or some of the music he liked. But He loved the LORD! He respected and felt the same about marriage, purity, and children. All the other material things come and go. Clothing can change, looks can fade. Bodies fluctuate. But, if you have someone who desires to put God first, then you two will always be working together to get stronger! You don’t need the perfect mate, or perfect marriage you just need someone who will humbly keep reaching! Reaching to be better.
Hear me when I say, “I Don’t have the perfect husband.” But I have never felt used by him. And even through our hard times, I can stand here to tell you-I Am Enough. I am sure that he loves me; I never have to guess and he knows my worth. And just by chance he doesn’t-I KNOW IT. Because God told me I was fearfully & wonderfully made (Psalm 139).
To my single ladies,
You ARE enough
Your sister in Christ, Jewel Amber